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(it has to go wrong for it to be ok in the end, right) - "your merest stray phenomenon" [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

(it has to go wrong for it to be ok in the end, right) [Mar. 31st, 2016|01:48 pm]
it comes as quickly as it goes: i woke up read something on brokenness & how we misread people thinking they're ok, when they're otherwise and they reveal it in their sleep, in the strain of their lips shut tight and eyes that stay too long on the ground, on cheeks stained with salt... this is not about me convincing myself it does not matter anymore, or it will always have a hold on me, that some things will never be effaced from the face of the earth, from the walls of my mind. i don't know why it stays i don't think i'll ever truly know why. i remember that one time i told myself to let go, with a steady voice (did you notice the tremble in my vocal chords, though, no, no.) told you so, that somewhere along the way walls were build up and other hands you found warmth in and you forgot the beauty thrill & comfort in things that weren't necessarily part of the paradigm for the world. & among the very few words you uttered, you said ok, & i said i still feel the same way (but i couldn't keep on hurting, couldn't keep convincing myself that you would choose me for a long time to come, because you were very good at showing how happy you were someplace else, with someone else). i don't remember but perhaps i heard the bitterness in your words, you thought i was doing fine (you never did hear the tremble in my voice). i had lain at the edge of my parents' bed, an arm slung over my eyes, pressing so hard against them so i wouldn't have to feel them slide down my cheeks (they disappeared as quickly as they came, with a hard shove against my eyes). for days after inside my heart was the throb that came in aching pulses no one noticed if i tried (i did try very hard) to conceal with an upturn of lips & i don't think you know or understand how long that went on while the spaces of your fingers were filled...

we never said goodbye but you disappeared as quickly as you came
(or was it me)