Partially locked. Add if you want to.

(I'm so confused now maybe these feelings will change tomorrow)

Such a useless feeling; how I'm so easily distracted & swayed like a dried up leaf going where the wind blows, sooner or later floating to the ground & someone shall step on it & I shall break into pieces with crackling sounds. I cant be repaired & that's when you'll leave again; after seeing me in such an impaired state.
You were there, weren't you? Why? Why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you acknowledge me? Were you trying to spite me? What? What do you want from me?

As of now, only now, you've successfully managed to dig up memories of you I tried so arduously to suppress in the dusty corners of my mind. I don't know what to feel because as numb as I'm feeling right now, I also feel this incoherent mix of nostalgia, longing, intimacy.

As of now,
only now,
I really miss you.

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"It is, as she said, difficult to describe someone, since memories are by nature fragmented, isolated, & arbitrary as glimpses one has at night through lighted windows."

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To those who looked down on us, hardly paid attention to us because we didn't seem like we were worth the effort... How's it knowing we're guaranteed a medal around necks now? Don't you dare claim credit for OUR & the coaches' efforts because you were just there (were you even there in the first place?) because you had to be. Ok so you're useful in doing certain things for us, but I don't think it's enough because I'm sure the team's effort & hardwork is worth more than what you have contributed. I dare say we come this far only because YOU thought we wouldn't make it, & it was pure teamwork & determination that pulled us through this.

&&& to a certain someone(s),
Don't insult your opponents, don't ever go in thinking people will always give in to you (because everyone inherently puts up a fight when they want to achieve something), don't ever underestimate them. Respect them, & admit you're just being sore & self-pitiful when the score is not to your damned advantage.

This is not a post to boost our egos, it's just to make it clear that teamwork & pure hard work are prevalent in sahockeygirls :) & nothing, no one else can take that away from us.

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Maybe that's the problem - you try so hard trying to love something you know you can never love & you feel inhibited all the same. You can't break out of the nets that constrain you from loving it. "Adapt," they say, but it's never easy forcing your love on something. Love isn't an obligation. So, tell me, how do you do your best & play whole-heartedly when your heart was never there in the first place?

That's the problem.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

"I think I've forgotten how it feels like to have someone's arms wrapped around my own fragile frame, that body tightly pressed against mine, the warmth that radiates from that skin to mine, providing me with a sense of comfort & security. But that could be a good thing right? Because the next time it happens, that feeling... That feeling's probably gonna stick around for a long time."

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Short post because I feel like I shouldn't ever be ungrateful for the friends I've kept & friends i've made. In short, today was really surreal. I had school, but I left early to prepare for a "losing" match which ended up being postponed. So Annabel, Rachel, Siewjun, Yiting & Kristin accompanied me to St Games for some dance central :D (ps the dance videos recorded were really hilarious). rushed for a "make-up" training & had a fun time doing drills. Yan, Chow & Sherlyn came over to celebrate my birthday despite their busy schedules which was so surprising & touching :") in between all these was my beloved class 11a04 who celebrated & tried to smash cake on my face during breaks. My favorite secondary school clique was just so sweet as well, singing songs & buying 4 types of mousse for my birthday.

My day got better when a bunch of Australian guys used the pitch tgt w us to cool down & they waved at me one even hi5ed & talked to me lol HAHAHA might have just found the love of my life~ lololol

Anyway, I can't thank you guys enough. You've made my 18th a wonderful & memorable one just by the small things you all do for me. Gifts, cards, letters even short texts & tweets mean so much to me, thank you. :)

More to come, apparently :)

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"I haven't cried this hard in awhile."
"You scared me, I guess you put on your 'badass' image for too long so it was kinda scary to see you cry."
#funnythingsnatashasaywhenimsad

Seeing my pw & Chinese A level results it's almost as if I'm treating As as a joke.

When I stand rooted in shock & fear, & my eyelashes are wet, my cheeks streaked with tears, I push people away who offer their comfort. Secretly, though, in the deepest depths of my heart I want someone to just force me to accept a hug, to just embrace me & tell me everything will be ok.

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(unconditional love is hard to find these days, & the transience of our love proves such a love to be capricious, contingent; yet I do not know why I bother holding onto something so superficial - were you ever serious about me in the first place?)

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

The scorching sun separates the 2 individuals, & as they meet heavy hanging clouds roll in with the low growls of the thunder. They sit on the bench, (they could be lonesome, together) surrounded by the vast green landscape & as the strong zephyrs howl they pour out their worries, frustrations & troubles. It starts to pour, & they reach their palms to catch these rivulets of rain, splashing at one another. The droplets touch & roll down the contours of their faces, the ends of their lips are pulled into a smile. Relief washes over them - Refreshing. Rejuvenating. Renewing.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.